second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning. (from LJ)

im secretly trying to get this post in. my patient is sedated and no one's on the board for an icu bed, so for now im chill. there's a eerie silence on the unit. random call lights are blinking and going off but thats on the telemetry side. its super sunny outside, but we're stuck here, on the inside. someone noted that night nurses are more prone to getting cancers 'cause they arent exposed to the sun as much. iduno, lord knows we work days and only get to see it out the windows.

ive been trying to update for a minute. but couldnt. i have lists and lists and more lists of what to journal about, IN my journal, on my kitchen counter, in my agenda book...so lets see, 1. the conference 2. work 3. day/dreaming 4. my apartment 5. my family 6. friends and "friends" 7. weddings galore 8. babies 9. lack of funds 10. going back to school and, i think thats it. and i gotta make a note that blog snooping is creepy. especially if the people dont know you. but i know its the price you pay for not making the blog private. blah.

4. anyway, i must say that ive been extra emo/estro lately. living alone has its perks, but im not liking them right now. kinda lonely. always had my sisters around me, but now...not so much. maybe 'cause i dont have a tv, dvd player, cd player, nothing. i eat at work or at my parents place, and i sleep and shower at the apartment. i havent had many days off to actually sort thru the boxes and bags i tossed around during the move 1.3 miles souf. there's a bunch of clothes i havent worn or i cant fit that need to be donated, bags and random stuffs that need to be thrown out or just burned. like old letters from high school, or random knick knacks i collected and in turn collected dust. womp. s. comes home monday for a week. we have a wedding to go to on friday [888] and we might make our way up to door county to visit his fam. i thought id have the place fixed up by the time he got home, but now. btwn the time i came back from florida til now...uhm, no break in the tide. just kept swimming.

1. 9. and 10. the conference was a blessing. i didnt know so many islands existed in the pacific but folks were out representing, it was lovely. sad to say that although we were on the left coast, home to goldilocks and hella pinoys there werent that many filipinos at this conference. and there are many filipinos with cancer(s), many filipinos that are care givers and health care providers for others with cancer(s) so where were they at? not near SFO while i was there. boo. the conference recharged my want to go back to school. msn/mph & ches and maybe hcm while im waiting to gain hours for my crna. we shall see. there's monies out there, just have to go find 'em. and i sure do need to look 'cause aint none of it in my bank account. there are times when i think im still 'young' enough to get all those things, and then there are times when i think dammit, i could have done this sooner if my head was on the right way, and im getting old and la la la, when will i find time to get married and have kids...whoa nelly. but yes, its a reccuring thought.

7. and 8. yes, too many happening back to back to back. its gona be fun tho 'cause s. is coming home for most of the weddings and showers. and that's all i have to say about that.

5. and 6. i need to make more time. or i need to make better use of my time. im convinced that once my apartment it cleaned and organized i will reflect my living space and be just as organized. *sigh* gotta work on that. i miss seeing people, and i thought at one point, oh yay im getting my own place and i'll see people more often and get to go out more, and be places. but no. so once my free time isnt spent on cleaning up the damn place. i'll be good to go. i know, quit talking about it mic, just do it.

and 3. c.h. and some other ghosts of christmas past have been in my dreams lately. little things will kick off some thoughts during the day and i get teared up and i snap out of it, and it goes away. pictures dont sting anymore. im happy to see that theyre happy but sad i guess 'cause life isnt gona be all peachy keen after the fact. its indifference.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.
-elie wiesel

things in life have happened. happening everyday...to me, to family, to people around me and it opens your eyes and makes you think, damn...karma will eventually get its way. so i will wipe my hands clean of the dirty work and let karma do its thing. for a while i was doing things to "correct situations" but only making sh.t all bad. its not my place to undo those things. and maybe blogging lets me put things out into the universe a little easier. iduno if it was the conference, being in the bay, or if its just the path im taking after it all, but i let go of the hate, the spitefullness, grudging, jealousy and let in the forgiveness, love, self-worth, self-acceptance and acknowledgement of my limitations. at times its rough, but brighter days are here. thanks sis. weaning off the haterade requires special detox instructions...and possibly four padded walls. the first step is admitting it. bwuahaha.